pain

i've never felt so much pain in my entire life. i feel empty and lonely without anna, my heart aches and hurts. her time was up in america and we had to send her back to sweden. this is terrible pain, i wouldnt even wish this on my worst enemy. i cant help but not be quiet when i walk around upstairs for fear i'll wake her up; i am constantly walking past and peeking in her room to see what she's doing; i even made two extra english muffins for her until i realized that she was actually gone. my house just feels less lively, more empty without her. i cry every other ten minutes and all i keep thinking about are all of the great memories we had together. i lay on her bed all the time, or just find myself sitting in her room. i spent an hour yesterday, taping all of the pictures of her i could find, to my wall; i feel if i dont do that, the things of her i have are going to disappear and i'll have nothing left of her. she left some of her purfume and her coco madmoiselle cream behind which i have never been so grateful to have. my mom sprayed her purfume on the bed, and it feels like she's still here when i lay there just to smell it. i'm desperate for her; i wear her pajama shirts (which i dont plan on washing anytime soon) and i put some of her chanel cream on my hand so i can always smell it. i even scouer her room just to find a bright red hair, or save one of her fake nails that i found in the dryer (when our cleaning lady accidentally washed anna's bedding); i'd do anything to get her back, i'd trade everything of hers i have left just to have her back; i know, it sounds pathetic but when you love someone and want them back that bad, you'll do anything. the quote, "you don't know what you have, until it's gone" has never been so true to me. i've heard it many of times, but it isnt until you experience it, that you know the true meaning. and life is way too short to get mad or be angry about stupid little things because in the end you regret all that time that you wasted on unimportant things. i cant help but think she was probably sad at first, but now that she's home, she's not sad anymore and has kind of forgotten about us; i know that is probably not true, but that is what i fear. but at least she'll be seeing her boyfriend, jake, who is just as distraught as us. lucky for him, he gets to see her in a few weeks when he leaves for sweden for a month; i dont think i've ever seen someone so in love. he's working three jobs and took all of his graduation money, just to get a plane ticket over there to be with her; it's like out of a love movie, and if that isnt love then i dont know what love is. aside from losing one of the best things in my life, i've learned a lot. anna taught me to always be yourself, and above all else to always be happy. this experience is something i will remember and carry with me for the rest of my life. i dont know how long it's going to take to get over this, but i do know that right now i'm just going to go and lay in her bed.